The Ambivalent Sentiment
by Angelic Guardian
Summary: It was never meant to go this far.
1. Part I

**Author's Note:** Here, have a steaming hot cup of angst. No cream, no sugar, just straight, black angst. Careful, it might be a little bitter.

**Disclaimer: **The Big Bang Theory © Chuck Lorre and Bill Prady

* * *

**_ambivalence_**—the coexistence within an individual of positive and negative feelings toward the same person, object, or action, simultaneously drawing him or her in opposite directions

* * *

It was never meant to go this far.

Her ragged breaths fill the space of his bedroom, short and harsh and growing in intensity, matching the wild thrashing of her heart banging against her chest. The sound of her breathy moans mixes with the much more painfully erotic sound of his tongue lapping against the wet inner folds of her sex.

She doesn't dare look down at him, for the image of his head bobbing heartily between her legs is too embarrassing, especially with the knowledge that it's the reason behind the irrefutable pleasure currently flowing through her body, building higher, higher, _higher._

"Oh—_Rajesh."  
_

Her fate is sealed the moment she feels his tongue hit a particularly sensitive spot inside her. The next thing she knows, she's tightening her grip on his bed sheets and steering recklessly past the thin line of resistance into the heady warmth of complete and utter oblivion.

Like an explosion, the moment leaves a fiery trail in its wake. Electrifying tingles roll through her body in a powerful current, leaving her whole body shaking as she pants uncontrollably. She clamps her eyes shut and tries to keep her dizzying head from exploding altogether. The seconds that pass bring forth an encompassing feeling of warmth, like her rigid, sweating body is being dipped into a soothing bath.

In her post-euphoric haze, she vaguely recognizes the feeling of silky fingertips gently pressing into the heated skin of her outer thighs. Her eyes snap open in alarm, and against her will, she locks eyes with him. And now, since she can't look away, she takes him all in, the soft, almost forlorn glint in his brown eyes, his mussed up hair, a glossy texture across his bottom lip, serving as blatant proof of the pleasure he's just given her. She's experienced it countless times before, but this is the first time it's at the hands of a man.

As she stares at him, she wonders how inappropriate it would be to reach out and gently smooth out his hair, but then she thinks about the unabashed passion she's just experienced, all because of him, and she realizes that anything else she does at this point would be entirely insignificant.

With one hand still clutching the sheets, purposely covering her heaving chest, she brings up her free hand and lightly sweeps her fingers through his disheveled hair. She finds herself genuinely amazed when he doesn't recoil. All he does is close his eyes, while she blinks hers in bewilderment. Her hand stays suspended, as though unsure if she should do it again.

They stay like this for a while, with him half-splayed on top of her, still staring at her with that unwavering, serious gaze of his, until the warmth is swallowed up by a devastatingly cold feeling. It crawls its way into the shell of her heart, where it nests its thick, slimy body, holding the truth:

_This was a mistake._

He seems to realize this the same moment she does. The serene bubble they've encased themselves in has popped, bringing forth the panic and shame. He's the first to move off the bed and start picking up their discarded clothing. She knows she should do the same, but instead she stays right where she is and simply watches him, her body paralyzed.

She keeps a protective hand on the blanket that's covering her chest, despite the fact that she's only naked from the waist down. Her eyes follow him, noting how his movements are hasty, but precise. He's only wearing his briefs, but he soon finds his undershirt and starts to put it on. He bends down again and picks up something else, and when he turns around to hand it to her, he freezes, his eyes widening, like a deer caught in the headlights.

Sheepishly, he holds the article of clothing out to her, and when she looks down to see her animal print underwear, her face scorches.

"Thank you," she says, taking them from him.

They stare at each other for a beat too long, before he abruptly turns away and walks over to the end of the bed to retrieve his pants. She busies herself by slipping both of her hands beneath the covers and pulling her underwear over her legs as quickly and fluidly as she can without moving around too much. As he continues getting dressed, she looks down to find her skirt in a wrinkled mess on the floor.

She looks back up at him. His back is to her now, allowing her momentary privacy, so she gets out of the bed, somehow feeling more exposed than she did a moment ago without her underwear, but she doesn't dwell on it. In the back of her mind she knows that the deep shame she's trying so hard to ignore has absolutely nothing to do with her nudity.

Hiking her skirt up over her hips, she jolts suddenly when he turns around, holding out her blouse and her two cardigans, the items of clothing all wadded up in one hand.

"Thanks," she says in an even weaker voice as she takes them, making sure their fingers don't accidentally brush together. She stares down at her clothes for a moment before looking back up at him. His eyes widen again, and he promptly turns around.

They finish dressing, back to back, and by the time she turns around, he's already facing her again. All she can see is the deep frown on his face and heartache traced through his eyes that she knows must mirror her own expression. She's unsure what to say, if she should even say anything else at all.

In the end, she doesn't. She simply turns and makes a break for the door, where her shoes and tights lay waiting for her, just outside of it.

She slips into her loafers and picks up her lavender tights, and as she leaves the bedroom, she scoops up her purse from his couch, throwing her tights into it. She doesn't have to turn around to know that he's watching her from the doorway. Her heart hurts so much she can feel it burning. _What kind of woman am I? _Tears prick against the corners of her eyes. She needs to get out now before she starts crying.

So she does.

* * *

It's nearly midnight by the time she lies down in her own bed, wearing one of her flannel nightgowns. After drawing the covers over her body, she immediately feels too warm, so she kicks them off and lies there, staring wide awake at the ceiling, her breathing ringing loudly in her ears. She forces herself to close her eyes, but the second she does she's a goner, as the memory of their fight floods into her mind.

Her teeth clench as she finds herself fighting back a fresh round of tears.

* * *

His jaw is set tight, fingertips drumming against his untouched mug of tea as steam rises from the rim. He's more preoccupied than usual tonight, more distant and in his own world now that she's said what she's been wanting to say for a long time now. The more she tries to gently coax him out of this withdrawn mood of his, the more he pulls away.

"Sheldon," she starts, setting her own mug down on his kitchen counter.

He doesn't do so much as flinch when she says his name. He's staring down at the counter, avoiding her eyes. If they were a normal couple, she would reach out and gently take his face in both of her hands, cradling his jaw. She'd look deeply into his eyes, and she would see his anxieties start to melt away. She'd lean forward and graze her lips against his, her heart skipping a few beats, and soon, she'd feel his hands reach behind the small of her back, pulling her closer.

But they've never been normal and, frankly, never would be.

She sighs so harshly her breath hits the mug below her, causing the steam to gush out faster. There's only one way out of this. "I take it back, all right?"

His eyes finally snap up to hers, and they hold the gaze. "You take it back?" he repeats, and it's like he's clawing onto this piece of knowledge for dear life. "So, you didn't mean it? Is that right?"

He sits there, perfectly still, awaiting her answer, and the longer he stares, the more overwhelming she finds it. She feels a lump swell in her throat, and she swallows, but it's no use. She purses her lips and starts to fidget, her knees shaking.

"Amy?" he says, and she closes her eyes, unable to look at him any longer.

"No," she whispers.

"Excuse me?"

"I said _no, _all right?" she shouts, her eyes flying back open to catch him jumping in his seat. He blinks in alarm, blue eyes now staring at her wildly. She feels wetness in her eyes but doesn't care. "I _did_ mean it, okay? _I meant it._ I'm tired of always having to suppress my feelings when I'm with you just because _you're_ so terrified of your own. So, I'll say it again. _I love you, _Sheldon."

He blinks again, but he doesn't say a word. She takes a deep, steadying breath, calming herself down a bit, allowing some time for her words to sink in.

"We're two adults who have been in a monogamous relationship for three years and have kissed a total of three times," she says. "But this is more than just about wanting something physical. Please, I'm begging you, try to understand _my side_ for once, because contrary to what you may believe, you're not the only one in this relationship. I'm scared, too. I have insecurities, too. But tell me, logically, what is so wrong about a woman wanting to explore a more intimate relationship with a man whom she's _in love with?"_

She's full of energy now, and she grasps either side of the counter, waiting for him to speak. This is a challenge, a game. Lay all the cards on the table and wait for him to make the next move. She watches as his eyes drop to look down at his tea.

"You've changed so much," he mutters.

Her fingers curl over the edges. "And _you_ haven't changed enough."

A glance up, a long pause, and finally, he just shakes his head.

"I don't understand why you always have to manipulate me like this." Her skin bristles at the word _manipulate._ "Why can't you just be satisfied with what we have now? Why must you try to _change _things? What did you even expect would happen tonight? That I'd return your sentiment by professing my undying love for you? That I'd take you into my bedroom so you could finally have your carnal way with me? Do you realize how ridiculous that sounds? Honestly, Amy, what's happened to you?"

The lump is back, even bigger now. She opens her mouth to retort, but instead a shrill whimper comes out. Sheldon stands suddenly, and Amy immediately retracts, pulling her arms to her body as those stubborn tears escape at last, rolling freely down her cheeks. Does he really think so lowly of her to belittle her feelings like that?

A hand touches her shoulder, and she jerks away so quickly her elbow bangs against the cabinet behind her. The surge of throbbing pain is nothing compared to what she feels in her heart.

"I can't do this anymore," she says.

"Can't do what—"

"I'm tired of pining for a man who doesn't feel the same way about me, and even if he _did_ start to feel something, he'd find any excuse he could to run away like a scared little child the second he got the chance, instead of facing his feelings like a _grown __man_ and talking things out and being willing to grow in our relationship and actually _want_ to touch me instead of always thinking that I'm _tricking_ him into getting a little romance from him. I'm done."

She wipes furiously beneath her eyes and doesn't waste a second as she walks right past him, heading for the door.

"Amy."

Footsteps behind her. She picks up her purse that's draped over the chair.

_"Amy._ Stop. Please."

His hand touches her shoulder again, squeezing tightly this time, but she manages to wriggle free.

"I'll have someone deliver the signed relationship termination document to your office first thing tomorrow morning," she says, and flings the door open.

"Amy!"

She can hear him right behind her now, flooding down the stairs to catch up to her. She squeezes her hand into a fist, nails digging into her palm.

"You can't just end our relationship without my consent," Sheldon says.

She wants to laugh bitterly at that, but she's too focused on getting out of there, away from him.

"We need to discuss this," he continues. "You're not thinking rationally."

She reaches the lobby and heads for the door, pushing it open just enough for herself to slip out, but a second later, there's a bang from behind her, and she jumps, momentarily startled, but she doesn't stop walking. _Don't look back. Don't look back._

_"Amy!_ Are you _crazy?"_

"No," she says. "Goodbye, Sheldon."

It's not until she's inside her car, seat belt fastened, hands on the steering wheel and gear in drive, that she fleetingly looks out her driver's side window and catches her final sight of him. He's standing in front of the building, out of breath, frighteningly pale, eyes glazed.

A choked sob rips from her throat.

* * *

He's even worse the following morning at work. She's not even in her temporary lab at Caltech for a full minute when he enters, clutching the piece of paper in his hands. She tries to avoid his eyes, but even just a quick glance allows her to see that his eyes are completely bloodshot.

"You can't do this to me, Amy." She bites back a hopeless smirk. Always about him. "This is not a legally binding document until it's been notarized. It hasn't been notarized. See? It needs to be notarized. This means nothing. You're still my girlfriend, Amy. Do you hear me? Amy."

She's already dialed a number and has the phone to her ear. "Yes, public safety? This is Dr. Fowler from the biology department. I'm calling because there's a man from the physics department currently here in my laboratory harassing me."

_"Harassing _you?" Sheldon says.

"It is Dr. Cooper, yes. Okay. Thank you."

She ends the call and slips her phone back into her purse, purposely keeping her head down, even as she feels his presence at her side.

"Is this because you want me to kiss you more often? Because I'll kiss you again, if that's what you want. I'll kiss you right here, right now. Is that what you want, Amy? What do you want from me? _Tell me what you want."_

"Respect," she says, the word slipping from her mouth before she can stop it. "Love."

"I can give you those things. I'll give you physical affection, too. I'll even buy you more jewelry. Just don't leave me. I've invested way too much time in this relationship for it to end so abruptly like this, especially when I've done nothing wrong."

She raises her head, looking him squarely in the eyes. _Don't cry again. You're at work. _She's consumed by another feeling entirely. Rage.

"That isn't how love works," she says, point-blank.

Sheldon's hands tighten, the paper wrinkling in his fists. _"Goddammit, _Amy, do you want me to grovel at your feet and tell you I love you? Do you want a marriage proposal? I'll propose to you right now."

Just as he's getting down on one knee, a large man in a pale blue uniform enters the room, walking right over to Sheldon and grabbing him by the shoulders.

"Okay, time to go, buddy."

"No, not until my girlfriend accepts my marriage proposal!"

"I'm not your girlfriend anymore," Amy says steadily.

"Yes, you are. I just explained it to you. Amy, you have to listen to me. I love you, okay? I'm in love with you, Amy Farrah Fowler!"

The man hauls Sheldon out of the room as he repeats himself with increasing desperation, his voice echoing down the hallway.

_"I love you, Amy!"_

His words are engulfed by the sound of a heavy metal door shutting. In the silence, Amy releases a quivering breath and realizes she's trembling.

* * *

She's in a state of numbness for the next several hours, until she hears a gentle knock at the door. She glances up from the Petri dish she's inspecting beneath a microscope to see Howard and Rajesh standing at the doorway. The solemn looks on their faces tell her all she needs to know. She promptly snaps her eyes back to the microscope and reaches out to adjust one of the lenses.

"You okay?" Howard asks, and while the question alone makes her want to burst into unforgiving tears, she remains stone-faced as she picks up her pencil and jots something down in her notes.

"All right. We can take a hint," Howard says. "Just know that if you need anything, we're—"

"How's he doing?" she asks before she can stop herself.

A few moments pass before she lifts her head again. Howard looks stunned, eyebrows raised, while Rajesh stares at the ground, hands in his pockets. The longer they don't say anything, the more Amy fears the worst.

"He's a disaster," Howard says at last, and she finds herself holding her breath. "They confiscated his phone and have someone keeping an eye on him in his office. Apparently Leonard tried to take him home, but he's just…" He shakes his head and shrugs. "…an inconsolable wreck."

Her lips press together. She pictures him huddled in his office, head in his hands, muttering to himself and sinking deeply into depression. Because of her._ Does this make me a monster? _Tears well up in her eyes, and before she knows it she's clamping a rubber gloved-hand to her mouth and letting out a muffled sob.

"Oh, Amy."

It's Rajesh. She doesn't look at him, just keeps her hand pressed to her mouth. A tear lands on her notepad, seeping through the lined paper. She feels an arm wrap around her shoulders and pull her into a warm body, and she shuts her eyes and lets him hold her, for how long, she's not sure, but it's for a while.

When she finally does pull away, he doesn't fight her, and instead lets his arm slip off of her. As she lets out a shallow breath and removes her rubber gloves, she notices that Howard is now gone, and she's not quite sure what to make of that.

"Have you eaten anything today?" Rajesh asks. "You must be starving. Come on, I'll take you somewhere off campus. We can get some fresh air. It'll make you feel better."

Her first instinct is to tell him that she's not hungry at all, but thank you, she appreciates the offer. Yet, when she looks up at him, her vision blurred with tears, she sniffles and says, simply, "Okay."

* * *

Lunch conversion is kept light. She's aware of the fact that he's being mindful of her feelings, and she's extremely grateful for it. Her pain has since subsided from an unbearable guilt to a dull, persistent ache in her chest.

They've fallen silent as he walks her back to her lab, hands in his pockets again. When they reach the door, she turns to him and manages a faint smile.

"Thank you for lunch, Rajesh."

"My pleasure," he says, smiling back. "And, listen, if you ever need a friend to talk to, I'm here."

"Thank you," she says again, and with that, they part ways.

At least, for the time being.

She avoids checking her cell phone all day, but it's still difficult for her to concentrate on work. If the guys know, that must mean Penny and Bernadette know by now, too. It'll only be a matter of time before one of them shows up at her apartment, trying to comfort her with wine and ice cream, telling her that everything is going to be okay, that they know it hurts like hell now, but everything will work out in the end.

And she just doesn't want to deal with a second of it.

That's why, at the end of the work day, she heads over to his office and feels her heart beating fast as she knocks on his door. A few seconds pass before he opens it, and when he sees her, he looks surprised, which only makes her feel even more nervous.

"Would it be all right if I…" She pauses. _Am I really going to ask this?_ She clutches the strap of her purse. "If I stayed at your apartment for a little while? I just don't want to go home right now, and I don't want to be by myself, either."

His response is just what she needs to hear.

"Of course," Rajesh says. "I understand completely."

She follows him back to his apartment, where he orders dinner but doesn't offer her any alcohol, nor does he push her into talking about the breakup. After they eat, they wind up on his couch, sitting quietly, the television off. She wonders what Sheldon's doing now, if he stopped by her apartment at all, if he's going insane trying to contact her.

"Did I do the wrong thing?" she asks, looking straight at Rajesh. She needs a second opinion, needs to hear the truth before she spirals into a point of mental collapse.

"I'm not sure I can answer that," he says, and she exhales slowly, her chest deflating, her eyes unwavering as he continues. "It's hard when you care a lot about a person, because your emotions tend to get in the way of your judgement. And sometimes, when you've been alone for so long, it can make it that much easier for you to cling onto the idea of a perfect relationship, so you'll wind up staying with someone for years, even if both of you are no longer getting what you want out of the relationship. So, if you weren't happy, you did the right thing. I just hope you realize how wonderful you are, Amy, and that you truly deserve happiness."

She's silent, though she wants to cry again, because never has another individual spoken in such an honest and sensitive way to her. And then she's not thinking at all as she crushes her mouth to his. At first he doesn't respond, but a second later, there's a shift, and he starts to move his lips against hers. She focuses on the mechanics, the pressure, when gradually, the kiss begins to soften, their lips melting together, and soon she feels a soft hand caress her cheek, while her hands find their way around the back of his neck.

She doesn't stop him when she feels his other hand slowly graze her thigh. She doesn't stop him when the kiss deepens and their tongues meet for the first time, brushing together, igniting a spark inside her. She doesn't stop him when they move away from the couch, standing up, lips still locked, stumbling to his bedroom and heatedly peeling off clothing until they end up in bed and he's pleasuring her.

Now, the clock on her nightstand reads midnight, and though she's physically and emotionally exhausted, she lies there in her bed, turning away from the ceiling to lie on her side. Her guilt and anger and sadness all keep her awake, but at some point in the night, even while her mind and heart are at powerful unease, her body finally surrenders to sleep.

* * *

She spends her Saturday morning performing a slew of mundane tasks, showering, cooking herself breakfast, tidying up her apartment, anything to keep her mind off of Sheldon, and now Rajesh. As the day goes on, she loses track of the time, so when she hears a knock at her door, she's surprised to find that it's already late in the afternoon.

There's no signature knock, so she knows it's not Sheldon, although she's not sure whether to be relieved or disappointed by that. She fears that it's Rajesh, until she hears a clearly feminine voice.

"Amy? You in there? It's just me."

She opens the door to let Penny in, and it isn't long before she breaks down and tells her absolutely everything. Penny listens intently to it all, occasionally nodding her head or muttering a word of sympathy, and when she's done, they sit there in silence on her couch for a couple of seconds, before Penny pulls her in for a hug that Amy accepts without hesitation.

"Oh, Ames," Penny says, running a hand down her back. "I'm here for you, sweetie. I'll be here for you no matter what. But, you know you can't avoid him forever, right?"

She bites her lip, her chin resting on Penny's shoulder, knowing the _him _she's referring to is Sheldon.

"Everyone's still getting together later at the guys' apartment," Penny says. "I know you may not be up for it, but the invitation's still there, if you want it."

Her eyes widen, because she's completely forgotten that they're all supposed to hang out, the three happy couples, and Rajesh, the perpetual third wheel.

"Just think about it, okay?" Penny says.

They hold the hug for a little bit longer, and by the time they pull away from each other, Amy has already made her decision.

* * *

_I'm going to regret this. _

She braces herself, staring straight at the 4A plate on the door, before she closes her eyes and knocks. She exhales and opens her eyes again, her heart suddenly pounding. It only gets worse when the door opens and she's met with an unmistakably scornful look from one Leonard Hofstadter. The animosity she feels from him is instantaneous and palpable. He's protecting his best friend, she knows, yet she still feels herself suck in a sharp breath.

"I really don't think you should be here right now," Leonard says, just quietly enough for only her to hear.

"I know," she says, surprising herself that she's so easily willing to agree with him. It's her guilty conscience doing the talking. "I just—"

"Amy?"

She freezes. Leonard lifts his eyes to the ceiling and sighs in exasperation. He pulls the door open wider and Amy catches sight of the whole group, Howard, Bernadette, Penny, Rajesh, all sitting in their respective seats, and finally Sheldon. He emerges from the hallway, stumbling slightly_, _wearing the same exact clothing he was wearing yesterday at work. _Has he slept at all in the past two nights? _He gropes the back of the empty beige chair, and Leonard's already moving towards him.

"No, buddy. She was just leaving. Go back to bed, okay?"

"I thought I'd never see you again," Sheldon says, pushing Leonard out of the way and striding right over to Amy, who still finds herself unable to move. When he's close enough to her, she feels her back straighten and her head tilt up of its own accord.

"You've been drinking?" she asks softly, stunned and crestfallen, the smell of liquor permeating the air between them.

"It's socially acceptable for one to drink heavily when one is depressed," Sheldon says, and dips his head towards her, his entire body sloping forward as well.

Her hands fly up to catch him, fingers splaying over his chest. They look at each other, and he smirks lopsidedly, eyes red and pupils dilated. She's frightened for his health, both physical and mental, yet as she stares at him, she can feel her willpower crumbling.

"Give me another chance," he says, his eyes glossing over with tears. "Please."

Her heart plummets. "Oh, Sheldon."

She slides her hands up to his shoulders and around his back, and he falls against her, his hands enclosing around her lower back. Her eyes flutter shut, though she doesn't move a muscle, not even as she feels his body quivering against her.

"You said you loved me," he says.

"I do," she whispers.

"Then why would you hurt me like this?"

She breaks again, tears running down her cheeks. Over his shoulder she catches Rajesh's gaze, his eyes boring deeply into hers, and it all becomes too much to bear. She releases Sheldon and grasps his arms, gently prying him off of her.

"I think I need to be by myself for a while," she says.

Sheldon blinks, his cheeks blotchy and nose reddened from crying. Amy subconsciously rubs a hand over her own cheek, wiping away the drying tears.

"For how long?" he asks desperately, ready to once again cling to the information for dear life.

Without thinking, she drops her eyes and looks at Rajesh again. She's trapped either way, and she knows she has only herself to blame. It doesn't even matter what happens now, because nothing will ever be the same again. If she goes back to Sheldon, she'll always have the guilt hanging over her head. If she doesn't, she'll still want to be with him, because she loves him so much it hurts, and she's disgusted with herself for getting Rajesh wrapped up in all of this.

"I'm sorry," she says, keeping her eyes on Rajesh as she says it.

"What?"

Her eyes flicker back up to him. "I'm sorry, Sheldon. I have to go. Please don't follow me."

"Amy," he starts.

"I'm sorry," she says again, and turns away.

This time, when she leaves, she doesn't hear footsteps behind her, but she does manage to break another man's heart, and all she can hope is that all three of them learn to find happiness.


	2. Part II

**Author's Note: **Let me just say that I originally had no intention of writing a follow-up to this fic, but seeing that quite a few people wanted me to continue it, I decided to accept the challenge and see what I could come up with.

So, here's your refill of angst. I hope you find this ending to be a much more satisfying one.

* * *

_I'm sorry._

_I'm sorry._

_I'm sorry._

Her words play out over and over in his mind, a whisper through his ears, taunting him and driving him into a world of utter insanity and hopelessness. He needs to know what she means, just how far back that _sorry_ goes. Is she sorry for breaking up with him? Sorry for leaving again earlier tonight? Sorry for refusing to take him back? He needs to know. He needs answers. He needs solutions.

He needs Amy.

He's emotionally drained and physically exhausted, lying on his back still in his normal day attire, shoes and all, over the covers of his bed. He's so tired his bones ache, yet his body refuses to succumb to sleep.

There's a knock outside his bedroom door.

"Sheldon?" Leonard says.

"Come in," he says without hesitation.

As Leonard opens the door, Sheldon sits up, and his head spins and he blinks blearily. Drinking so much of that vile alcohol was not a good idea in the slightest, though of course he's aware that this realization has come far too late. He just wanted to numb the pain, to find a way to cope, to do anything he could to try to forget, but it didn't work. He puts a hand to his forehead, pressing his thumb to his temple and massaging it.

"Here," Leonard says.

Sheldon furrows his brows and removes the hand from his head to see Leonard holding a mug out to him. He takes it, curving his hands around the warm mug and looking down to see that it's tea. He raises the mug to his lips and takes a long sip, the hot beverage sweet and soothing as it hits the back of his dry throat.

"Are you feeling any better?" Leonard asks.

Sheldon lowers the mug, his hands still firmly enclosed around it, enjoying the warmth. He stares up at Leonard and slowly shakes his head.

"No."

He keeps his gaze on Leonard for just a moment longer, before dropping his eyes to the tea.

"But thank you," he says, and another second of silence passes before he lifts his eyes to Leonard again. "For the tea."

Leonard doesn't say anything, and Sheldon's unsure if it's because he can't think of a response, or simply because he knows there's nothing else he can say. They're both motionless, until Leonard brings up his hand and clasps it against his shoulder. He gives it a comforting squeeze, before letting go and turning to leave.

After the door gently shuts behind him, Sheldon lets out a sigh and simply raises the mug to his lips again.

* * *

Penny sits on the far end of the couch, her feet curled beneath her and her hand resting against her cheek as she stares mindlessly at the TV. Everyone else has long since left, and even though she and Leonard could have easily gone over to her apartment to spend some alone time together, neither of them wants to leave Sheldon here by himself.

From the corner of her eye, she sees Leonard quietly emerge from the hallway. He makes his way across the room and takes his seat next to her. He releases a long sigh, and Penny takes that as a very bad sign.

"How is he?" she asks anyway.

Their eyes meet.

"I think it's really sinking in for him now," Leonard says.

Penny is silent, because there's nothing she can say to that. She thinks about Sheldon and Amy just hours earlier, watching the two of them embrace each other by the door, how the sight of it just plain broke her heart. They love each other, there's no doubt in her mind, yet now that she knows Amy's secret, she's not sure if they'll ever be able to overcome it and get back together one day.

"I don't know," Leonard says, like he's thinking aloud. "I just hope that whatever he did to Amy, she can find a way to forgive him. It just kills me seeing him like this. I feel terrible."

Penny draws in a breath and slowly exhales it through her nose. Her lips are pierced shut, though she's not sure how much longer she'll be able to last without saying anything. She's torn between her loyalty to Amy and her loyalty to Sheldon. She cares about them both, but with Sheldon, it's different. It's always been different with him. She feels this indescribable need to protect him, because he's the most fragile, complex person she's ever met, and to see him in such pain like this makes her feel some pain, too.

"What?" Leonard says, gently, yet with the slightest sense of urgency. He's worried, probably even more so than she is, and that's when she decides that he needs to know, too, because they're in this together.

She looks right at Leonard, dropping her hand into her lap, like she's already defeated, and the words just tumble out of her.

"Amy hooked up with Raj last night."

_"What?"_

She doesn't say it again, because she knows she doesn't have to. She just stares, watching as Leonard's expression dissolves from a look of shock to what she can plainly see is disappointment. He cups a hand over his mouth and drags it down past his lips until it slips off of his chin.

"How far did it go?"

Her response is practically a reflex. "Does it matter?"

The weight of her question is punctuated by the silence that falls between them. Leonard sinks deeper against the couch, and he stares straight forward, clearly losing himself in his thoughts. Penny can feel her throat tightening, and she swallows, waiting for him to say something.

"He's going to kill him."

It's like a sucker punch to the gut. Maybe it's the tone Leonard has just used, so straightforward and matter-of-fact, or maybe it's the prediction itself, the thought of such a violent image. Or, maybe, it's the knowledge that Leonard knows Sheldon better than anyone, so for him to reach a conclusion like that shows just how serious this situation really is.

Regardless of the reason, Penny feels her stomach clench, and she's downright terrified.

"What should we do?" she asks.

Leonard looks at her, and somehow in that moment she already knows the answer, even before he says it, again in that blunt tone.

"There's nothing we can do."

They hold each other's gazes for a while, letting it all fall into place. Finally, Penny reaches for Leonard's hand and slips her fingers on top of his. They sit like this for a long time, a serene silence, the calm before the storm.

* * *

Several days go by, and during that time, Amy manages to sink into an unfathomable loneliness that she hasn't felt since before she met Sheldon. She goes through the motions at work, finishing up her last few experiments before she has to leave Caltech. Before she knows it, Friday has arrived, her last day at the university, though her relief that she'll be returning to the safe haven of her own laboratory come Monday morning is strangely subdued. It'll be better for her to be farther away from everyone, particularly from Sheldon, she knows, yet there's still a part of her that is saddened by it, because she doesn't want to be that far away from him.

Of course, there's still the whole issue with Rajesh. The only contact she's had with him since Saturday is a single text she received from him later that night:

_I'm sorry, too._

She tries to put it all out of her mind, but the moments keep rushing back to her in pieces, the heartbroken look in Sheldon's eyes, his desperate plea to give him another chance, the feeling of Rajesh's mouth pressing hotly against her body. She shivers violently, feeling sick to her stomach, and she stands up, prepared to leave the lab for a while and take an early lunch. It's not like she's getting anything done now, anyway, and some nourishment can only do her good.

She removes her lab coat, slinging it over the coat rack and exchanging it for her purse. As she turns to the door, she abruptly stops, locking eyes with none other than Sheldon.

He clears his throat and briefly looks down at the floor. "I, um, I was going to knock, but the door was already open, so…" He looks back up at her. "Hi."

"Hi," Amy says, only to immediately fall silent again. She takes him all in, noting that he looks much more like himself again, neat and clean, his hair properly combed, eyes crisp and blue, and she's comforted by it. At least his appearance is one thing that has returned to normal.

"Is there a…specific reason you've come here?" she asks when he doesn't say anything for a while.

"Yes," he says, taking a step forward. "It's to my understanding that today is your last day here at Caltech, and I was hoping I could bid you a proper farewell by extending you an invitation to lunch."

There's a part of her that melts at this new side to him, this sweetness and cordiality, and while she does want to accept the invitation more than anything, to have a conversation with him in which neither of them has to have a guard up, to take that first step towards returning to the way things used to be between them, before this whole mess, she just can't do it. She'd be betraying Sheldon's trust, in a way, and she's not sure if she'll ever figure out a way to earn it back after she so willingly gave herself to another man, just so she could attempt to mend her own broken heart.

"Thank you," she says, "but I'm afraid I'm going to have to decline."

His disappointment is instant, but what surprises her most is that he doesn't even bother to hide it. "What? Why?"

She purses her lips. "I just don't think it would be a very good idea."

At first, he stares at her in bewilderment, but when he speaks again, his voice is soft, desperate, yet with the slightest trace of anger. "Why are you making me work so hard for this?"

"Sheldon—"

"No, do you realize how difficult it's been for me to stay away from you this entire week, Amy?"

There's an immediate effect on her when he says her name like that, filled with pent-up hurt and frustration. He has her full attention now, and she can feel her heart pumping fast, a rush of blood kicking in, swirling through her veins. He takes a few steps closer to her, and she tilts her head up, her eyes locked on his.

"I resisted every single urge I had to see or contact you, all because of the ridiculous advice I received from Leonard and Penny," he says. "They both told me that I should 'give you some breathing room' and 'wait for you to reach out to me' and all this other nonsense that I didn't want to hear. And yet, I wound up actually listening to the two of them because nothing else I've tried has worked, and now I'm just so desperate to get you back and you're being so incredibly _stubborn _and I can't take it anymore."

When he finishes, he releases a heavy breath, practically growling, his head turning away from her. He's experiencing a whirlwind of emotions, she can see it, and she doesn't want to do this to him anymore. It's not fair to him. She loves him too much to see him in such torment like this. It all needs to end, right here and right now. No more hiding. No more secrets.

No more guilt.

"Sheldon," she says. "There's something I have to tell you."

His eyes snap back to her, staring at her straight on, and it's like she can see the silent fury building inside him, waiting to be unleashed. Her chest falls with a disheartening sigh, and then, she hears herself speak.

"Last week, I went to Rajesh's apartment after work, because I just needed to be with a friend, and…one thing led to another, and, well…we…"

She trails off, hoping that that's enough, but his gaze is more penetrating than ever. She lets her eyes flutter shut as she whispers the very thing that will end it all.

"We ended up in bed together."

There is silence, so deafening, so all-consuming, that she has no choice but to open her eyes again. Sheldon's face is a doughy white, and he takes a step backward, nearly staggering, like he's about to faint.

"You had sex with him?"

_"No._ No," she says quickly, almost pleadingly. "I didn't."

"So you just…" He takes another step back and brings up his hands, touching one to his chest, the other raking through his hair, and he sounds like he's having trouble breathing. "You just _kissed _him, and…and…he kissed _you_…and…and then he…did he…what…what did he do to you, Amy?"

"What?"

"Did he…_pleasure _you?"

His breathing is coming out in loud, labored pants now. Amy reaches out to him, afraid he's going to pass out, but he backs away from her.

"Sheldon, please, just let me—"

_"Did he pleasure you?"_

His eyes are ablaze, and it's no use now. He's snapped. She's finished.

"Yes," she says at last.

They both stand there, facing each other, the weight of her confession crashing down on them. Suddenly, Sheldon takes off. It happens so fast that Amy isn't able to react quickly enough.

"Sheldon!"

She rushes out of the lab, catching him just as he disappears from the hallway, pushing open a door. She starts to chase after him, her footsteps quick and scurrying, while he walks in a steady, confident stride, one that's completely unbreakable, even as she continues calling out to him.

"Sheldon, where are you _going?" _she asks, though in the back of her mind, she already knows.

She follows him all the way into the cafeteria, where she sees Leonard, Howard and finally Rajesh, who's about to sit down when Sheldon approaches him, grabbing a fistful of his shirt and jerking him forward.

"Sheldon," Raj says in shock.

"You defiled my ex-girlfriend."

"Okay, listen to me, I never meant to hurt—"

_"SHUT UP."_

He hurls a tightened fist at Raj, who ducks at the last moment, leaving Sheldon's fist to smash through the glass surface of the vending machine behind Raj. The sound of shattering glass is masked by the painful wail that shreds from the top of Sheldon's lungs. His whole body stiffens as he withdraws his hand and collapses to his knees, blood oozing from his knuckles at an alarming rate.

"Shit, _shit,"_ Leonard hisses under his breath, and suddenly he along with a few other people swarm around the both of them. Howard grabs Raj and Leonard grabs Sheldon, who's breathing hard and visibly shaking.

More people enter the cafeteria, whizzing past Amy, who hovers just outside, unable to breath, and in the midst of all the chaos, she slowly sinks to the ground.

* * *

If there's one thing Raj wishes he could be, it's a stronger man, and not just in a physical sense.

He regrets not having the strength to resist Amy, to pull away from her kiss, to be the smarter one in the situation and have stopped it from going as far as it did. In a way, he almost feels like he took advantage of her, because after all, she was emotionally distraught at the time, not thinking clearly, and in the end, maybe he was just being selfish by letting himself get caught up in the heat of the moment.

Raj glances at Amy, who sits in the chair next to him, her legs crossed and her foot bobbing at such a fast tempo it resembles the high speed fluttering of a hummingbird's wings.

They're sitting outside of the human resources department, waiting to meet with Janine sans-Davis, while Sheldon is still receiving medical attention. Raj watches as Amy brings up her arms and crosses them over her chest. She slides her hand up to her mouth, biting her thumb nervously. The poor woman is an emotional wreck, and Raj wishes he could think of something to say to make her feel better somehow, but he knows that even if he could, it wouldn't mean much coming from him.

As though sensing that he's looking at her, Amy turns her head to him, and her foot stops moving. She slowly lowers her hand, slipping it back around her body.

The door opens, and out walks Janine. "Dr. Koothrappali. Dr. Fowler," she says, gesturing towards her office.

Amy stands first, walking with her head bowed slightly. Raj follows soon after, and as he walks into the human resources office and settles into a seat, watching as Janine folds her hands on top of her desk, he finds himself wishing for the first time ever that he still needed the crutch of having to be drunk in order to talk to women. It would make him feel braver, at the very least. It would make this whole situation seem far less screwed up than it really is.

"I figured we might as well get started while we wait for Dr. Cooper," Janine says. "Now—"

_"Ahem."_

Janine glances up, while Amy and Raj turn their heads as the door opens and Sheldon walks in.

"My apologies," he says. "I would have knocked, but seeing as how I severely injured the hand with which I use to knock…" He holds up his hand, allowing them all to see that his fingers are tightly bound together with white gauze fabric. Raj hears Amy gasp. "…I had no choice but to enter upon my own discretion."

"That's fine, Dr. Cooper," Janine says with a touch of impatience. She holds up her hand to the remaining empty chair. "Please, have a seat."

Sheldon takes the seat on Raj's left, leaving him now sitting in the middle of them. He hears slight movement on his right, from Amy, as she leans forward in her chair.

"Is it broken?" she asks.

Sheldon looks at her, and the overwhelming tension Raj feels in that moment makes him want to slowly slide from his chair and disappear out of the room, to go completely unnoticed by anyone and pretend like none of this ever happened.

"No," Sheldon says, and with that, turns his attention to Janine, who looks momentarily caught off guard.

"Okay. Good," she says, and she clears her throat, returning to her professional tone. "Now then, I'll get right down to it. Clearly, there are some hostile feelings going on here, and obviously you don't need me to explain to you all that the university does not condone violence of any kind. And so, Dr. Fowler, seeing as how you're evidently the cause behind Dr. Cooper's recent erratic behavior, and since today is your last day at this university, I'm afraid we're going to have to ask that you leave a little early."

Amy is staring directly at her, but Raj can see that she's a million miles away. She silently nods, and with that, Janine turns her attention to Sheldon. Amy is still staring out at her, her eyes empty, and Raj is struck again with sympathy. All he can hope for her is that she'll find a way to heal.

* * *

"I still can't believe they're making me talk to the university psychiatrist," Sheldon says.

The three of them wander down the hallway after the meeting that miraculously didn't lead to any job terminations. Raj purposely walks at a safe distance behind Sheldon and Amy, who walk side by side.

"The university is just taking the necessary precautions in order to prevent an altercation like this from happening again in the future," Amy says.

"Yes, but they're implying that I'm mentally unstable. I'm not mentally unstable. My mother had me tested."

For the first time since they broke up, Amy feels herself smile. It happens so effortlessly. She's smiling at the familiarity, the way Sheldon's so full of vigor again, so much more like his old, stubborn self, and it feels good. Without thinking about what she's doing, she reaches up and touches his shoulder, the way she's always wanted to do while they were dating, but had to restrain herself in fear of scaring him off. It's ironic how she feels so free to touch him now that they're not together.

Sheldon stops and turns to her, and she does the same, her hand still on his shoulder. So much has changed over this last week, and she's not sure where they're going to go from here, but right now, all she knows is that this just feels right.

Raj observes the two of them, noting the looks in their eyes, seeing their love for each other. He knows they need to work it out between the two of them, and he needs to focus on himself.

"Hey, listen, guys," he says before he can lose his nerve. "I just want to say again how sorry I am, and I really hope we can put this whole mess behind us."

They both look at Raj for a second, before Sheldon turns fully towards him, while Amy slips her hand off of his shoulder. Raj has never understood Sheldon in the slightest, not that anyone has, really, and right now he truly has no clue what's going on in Sheldon's head. He's staring at Raj like he's sizing him up, or maybe trying to discern how sincere that apology is. Truthfully, Raj doesn't know what to expect, if Sheldon's going to threaten him again, or if he'll do the very opposite and accept his apology.

Sheldon straightens his shoulders, his hands slipping behind his back. "I'll admit that it's going to take quite some time for me to trust you again. However, given the fact that you've been a member of my social circle for such a long time, and that I do not care to have to go through the hassle of cutting you out of my life and potentially replacing you with a new friend, I would much rather prefer to let bygones be bygones."

"I'm glad to hear it," Raj says.

"Good."

Sheldon extends his uninjured hand out to him, and Raj looks down at it for a second, before lifting his own hand and grasping it, shaking his hand. They hold eye contact even after they let go of each other's hands. Raj looks from Sheldon to Amy, who gives him a small grin, like she's thanking him.

Finally, the two of them turn away again, continuing their walk down the hallway. Raj stands there for a while, watching their retreating forms, and as he does, he's filled with the first real sense of hope, and he just knows that things will turn out okay for them. He slips his hands into his pockets and turns the other way, heading in the opposite direction, a weight lifting off of his shoulders.

* * *

"Thank you for walking me back to my lab," Amy says as they approach the door, only to stop and catch herself on what she's just said. "On second thought, it's technically no longer _my_ lab."

"Yes, well, be that as it may, it's on the way to the psychiatrist's office, so it was more of a pleasant coincidence."

Amy nods, before turning from him and entering the lab, taking one last look around to make sure she hasn't forgotten anything. After scanning the room to see that everything is in place, she turns around, and Sheldon is standing right there. She jolts back, nearly bumping into him, and a soft breath escapes her as she looks up at him.

He stares, eyes downcast, his bandaged hand hanging at his side. A moment later, though, he looks up at her, too, and she can still feel it, even see it, the lingering pain in his eyes. There's a heaviness to it, and she's not sure when it will begin to alleviate.

"Sheldon," she says, her voice soft and raw. "I'm really sorry for hurting you."

She sees the movement of his throat as he swallows, and she notices the gleam in his eyes as he takes a second to clear his throat, holding back tears, trying to compose himself.

"Okay," he says, a slight rasp in his voice. "And I'm sorry for not being the boyfriend you needed."

She frowns, feeling a twinge in her heart, watching as he looks down again.

"Do you think," he starts, hesitating. "I mean, do you see you and I ever…one day…getting back together?"

His gaze is fixated on the ground, as though he's scared, or embarrassed, or maybe a little of both, but still, he's not shying away from her, not backing down from his feelings. He's vulnerable, laying his heart out on the line, waiting for her to take it. It's all on her now, she knows that, and if she could do so without any consequences, without hurting him anymore, she would take him back in a heartbeat, but it's not the right time yet, and she has to make him understand that.

"I just think we both have to take some time to figure out what we want."

"I want _you," _Sheldon says, and Amy's heart stops.

His eyes flit up to hers, and now, there's absolutely no shame, no fear, no doubt. There's only sincerity and confidence, and for the first time ever, it becomes astonishingly clear to her that Sheldon Lee Cooper truly has changed, having grown emotionally more so than she ever thought he was capable of doing.

Because of this, it's all the more reason for her to have to protect him, to look out for his feelings. For once, she won't allow herself to be selfish.

"You need time to heal," she says.

"Hmm. I take it you don't just mean that in the literal sense," Sheldon says, holding up his injured hand.

Amy smiles again, a ray of warmth seeping into her heart. She reaches up and lightly touches his hand. They look at each other, and slowly, she finds herself sliding her hand up to his face, cupping his cheek, lightly stroking her fingers over his ear, through his hair, to the back of his head.

They both lean in towards each other, and her eyes drift shut of their own accord as their lips touch, grazing together for only a second, before pulling back. Amy keeps her eyes closed, and she can hear Sheldon breathing softly, when their lips meet again, sinking in deeper this time.

She feels his uninjured hand grasp her waist, sliding protectively around her lower back, the injured one skimming across her cheek. She brings up her other hand, wrapping it around his back as their lips mesh together, gingerly, tenderly. It's better than she ever could have dreamt, their first mutual kiss.

And although there's still a long road ahead of them, issues to discuss, wounds to heal, she realizes that this kiss is a promise. They'll eventually find their way back to each other, and they'll be stronger than ever.


End file.
